i found a beautiful song

listen to The Humbling River by Puscifer

that is all

It's far too early to be alive, let alone at work right now. Especially after last night.
Therefore I post here to distract myself from paying attention to the fact that I am physically and mentally exhausted at the moment. Don't get me wrong though I am still working, I'm just on autopilot. If you asked me what type of calls I'd been dealing with so far this morning I would honestly have no idea.

Right, update time. So what have I done lately..?
Umm... well not a hell of a lot to be quite honest. Got a tattoo last week, and a pretty kick ass Roman Priest's coat. It's nice having the right connections with people to score awesome shit ^_^

Oh one thought I did have last night before going to the party was that I'm very pleased to have met someone recently that I find myself intrigued with. I'm generally quite a curious person, so if I see someone at a gig/party that I'm not familiar with, I usually wander over to say hi and see what they're like. So out of the many people I meet a lot of them can be quite bland, some can be nice enough but quite vapid, and some are just douchebags.
Every so often though you find a diamond in the rough. And last night when I was hanging out with the latest diamond I realised just how rare it occurs. There are very few people around I can talk to at that level of depth. We spent about 5 hours in a cafe last week just... talking.
As I've posted on here before, I definitely try to avoid talking about myself and what's happening with my mind, yet this time I found I was completely at ease.

There are nowhere near enough people like that around, and I'm quite disappointed that she'll be leaving soon :(

Oh, and she likes Sisters of Mercy ;)

So Cassie, if you're reading this, I think you're made of win ^_^

2 weeks into the new year and so far i've been pretty onto it

I stopped smoking, which has been pretty ridiculously easy so far. I'm not really noticing it at all really.
I've been heading out in the sun, which is a bit of a change from previous years. All too often i've been the one hiding inside peeking out through the curtain hissing at the brightness of the sun.
I've even been working out a bit, which i'm going to try and continue this time. Every time i've gotten into it in the past i've just trailed off after a few weeks. Mainly because i'm hardly ever home, and when i do eventually get home most of the time i just want to collapse in bed and sleep.
I've purchased a diary and so far have been consistently using it. Far too often last year i'd arrange to do something or meet something and forget all about it. I'm hoping this shall remedy that, as i'm sick of remembering at the last minute that i'm supposed to be in 3 different places at once >_<

I expect i shall fail terribly at each of these things, but none the less i have done well so far. I'm still goal-less however, so over the past few days i've been doing a bit of thinking about what i wish to achieve.
One of the main ideas i had was to get more involved in music. This idea mainly came from last weekend after the gig. I ended up at some random people's place and got handed a harmonica to play. I'd never actually tried one out before, as i'd always been expecting to get nothing out of it except horrible screeching noises, and thus had never even tried. But i surprised myself by actually getting a nice little tune out of it straight away. Also i've been playing around with my guitar a bit lately. I hadn't even so much as picked it up in months, yet over the past few days i've idly plucked a few strings and come up with a few quite cool sounding riffs. I don't know if i want to do any singing, though i assume Alastair still wants to do the Sisters of Mercy cover band thing, which could be amusing i suppose.

Another goal i suppose would be to find inspiration. Looking back on last year and even the year before that i accomplished fuck all. The life i'm leading is stagnant and clearly leading nowhere. I don't know what it is i need, and i know it's not something that can really be forced, but i feel like i need a revelation of sorts. Mum's been bugging me to go to uni, but the only things i'm interested in studying seem completely pointless career-wise, and to be honest i hate that style of learning anyway. I prefer to investigate my interests of my own volition. I like having the knowledge for myself, not so i can write essays about it for someone to criticize purely because they have a different interpretation of it.

Not much else to say really.
Christmas out at Jake and Abby's mother's place was pretty cool.
New Years was absolutely crazy, but kinda awesome.
Being back at work is crap.
Not having the money to go to Faith No More is bumming me out but i'm trying not to think about it.

That's about it really, and now i'm off to go have coffee with people, and a certain girl who will undoubtedly not show up

Adieu

people are win
i think it was like 15 put money together for Abby and Alison to buy me the purple silk pirate shirt. don't know who they all were, but they fucken rock
the pirate shirt is pretty damn awesome. plus it's silk! and purple!
fits really well too ^_^

last night wuz pretty wicked. went and saw Sophie sing some muziks and sang along (but not as well obviously :P) to all the songs i knew well enough. oh, and was well pleased with them playing some Creedence
i fucken love Creedence

then off to some goth fag's flatwarming and got very drunk ^_^
not sure if photos were taken, but at one point i was singing Bohemian Rhapsody with a canuckistani sitting on my lap. it may have been after i accidentally cock punched him :P

people walked me home at like 5am or some ridiculous hour, so now obviously i'm at work trying to stay awake and feeling pretty bloody horrible. plus it was like my 3rd or 4th day in a row of being out till at least 4am then working all day. me = sleepy
pretty surprised at how coherent i've been so far today. i'm pretty much running on empty. well actually i was probably running on empty yesterday - today i feel i should be steadily shrinking up into a dry husk

i don't even know if this is making much sense and it's looking way to long to read back through - tl;dr :P

looking forward to the undoubtedly EPIC dinner tonight. Rasha is fucken queen of the noms and if it's anything like last year i don't think i'm gonna be able to walk afterwards. i think i may end up trying to waddle down the hill and sit in the park for a while until i feel a bit less like i've just eaten my own body weight in epic noms

so apologies in advance to those that shall be there. i will most likely not be very chatty, and will probably quietly disappear at one point. but don't worry! i still loves ya - i'm just in the process of testing my limits of exhaustion :P

oh, and i fucking *HATE* Lady Gaga (just started playing - fucking radio...)
i actually counted how many times that stupid Bad Romance song came on the radio at work the other day - in an 8 hour shift it came on 11 fucking times
i swear if someone was wanting to induce me into a murderous rage, locking me in a room with that song on repeat would definitely be a good start. though i'd probably end up bashing my brains out on the wall or something
it'd be art! i call this piece "Droplets of Thought"
then people could sell it to cover my funeral costs and stuff
or keep it if you were a morbid fucker
though i think i'd end up keeping it - not that that would really work
i want a piece of artwork that is made of my own brain splatter?

what the hell is wrong with me today...

i've had quite a few people lately checking up on me and wanting to know what's wrong.
sure i know i'm not exactly always the most cheerful of people, and while i do try to pretend everything is fine and dandy obviously if people are noticing then i'm not pretending well enough.
and though while i do appreciate people caring and wanting me to be okay, it's just not gonna happen. shit happens all the time, and i deal with it in my own way.
admittedly maybe not the BEST way, but none the less i'd rather not have people worrying about me.
i REALLY did not exactly appreciate it when someone told me they were worried i'd let things get too much for me, and that he was worried i'd "be the next Kyla".
it was a very crude and insensitive way to put things, and i was very tempted to tell him to fuck off.

so yes people, i know i'm not okay. but please - stop bloody worrying!
everyone has bad days. just trust me to deal with it myself.

let's just get this outta the way at the beginning of the post;
i am fucking angry

it takes quite a hell of a lot to get me angry, but Douchebag McDouchebagson (aka rapist scum i want to die slowly and painfully) went ahead and burnt down the flat of someone i care about.
so first he rapes a friend, then burns down a friend's flat.
sure, he's going to prison *this time* but that's not satisfying enough - i want his blood
and what's to stop him doing shit like this again once he gets out?
nothing, that's what.
this waste of life won't learn his lesson - as far as i'm concerned he's not fucking human. he's a cancerous lump of flesh that does nothing but hurt people and he needs to be sliced up and removed



aaaaaaanyway, on to brighter (maybe?) things
the fetish ball was alright i suppose.
doug feels awkward around friends, doug wanders off, doug gets tap on shoulder, doug turns to see gorgeous girl, gorgeous girl knows a friend of doug's and has heard of him, doug is rather confused - yet intrigued, gorgeous girl seems quite cool - doug approves, doug introduces girl to friends, friends don't even seem to notice he is there, doug is sad... - but doug still has gorgeous girl to talk to! doug is happy again, doug and girl talk lots and dance even! (doug does not really dance unless very drunk), gorgeous girl seems quite into doug, doug is baffled but pleased, doug and gorgeous girl both stop and ponder what mutual friend would think of all this, doug and gorgeous girl both realise they kinda just killed the mood... doug wants to think for a second and needs some air, doug tells girl he will be back in a second, doug goes upstairs and gets trapped by friends being awkward some more, doug goes back downstairs to find gorgeous girl has disappeared, doug is sad once more...

ugh dunno why i wrote it like that - that was silly
so basically things were going good, then it all kinda died and she vanished
saw the mutual friend the following day, and apparently this girl had been txting her about me and it sounded good, but according to mutual friend this girl is "not good for me" and she "doesn't want me to be hurt"
sure she's looking out for me i guess, but it's still kinda annoying really

and coz i was silly and never got this mystery girl's number or anything - i'm most likely never gonna see her or hear from her again - so i guess that one can be chalked up to another missed opportunity i guess
lame...

i have the next 2 days off, and my mission is to find at least one moment of serenity.

it's hard to remember the last time i felt at peace - it's hard to even remember what it's like
i know i don't really have anything to complain about - i have a job, friends, etc - but no satisfaction.
no real happiness.
no matter what it is i end up doing, ultimately it just seems pointless.
i always end up in bed at home staring at the ceiling and unable to sleep wondering if next time i'm actually going to bother.

i kinda feel like writing something now for NaNoWriMo, but at the same time i'm a bit reluctant.
it seems every time i do get overcome with the urge to write it always end up being about something horrible.
i ended up making a friend cry when she read the notebook i've got at home full of random thoughts and poems etc, and the last few stories i've written have all ended up involving suicide and/or murder and the only emotions i seem to able to write are negative ones.
it's nice to be able to create something, yet at the same time i can't help but feel a little disappointed that i can't even make fictional characters feel satisfaction - they all end up being emotionally retarded.

i think i'm just getting completely overcome by weariness.
it was a pretty sleepless weekend after all - i'm gonna have to try and catch up over the next couple of days.
i'm at the point where i feel like i'm a passenger in my own body. it's like i only exist as my thoughts, and have to actively focus them to direct the body i'm inhabiting at the moment.
i actually wish i could discard it completely. a body seems so... distasteful right now. i don't want the thing - it seems to serve no purpose. i find being anchored to a physical presence is so confining. i truly hope to find a way to cut the ties that bind. i don't think of it as transcendence - i don't aspire to become some superior being or anything. all i want is to just let everything go - no more pain, no more aging, no more sickness. life would be one purely of will. though i suppose that could be considered a superior form of life...

okay not sure where that rant came from - i blame the lack of sleep.

so.... anyway....
the goal is to find some semblance of peace - even just for a moment.
it's most likely not achievable, but one can always hope right?

(oh, and i'm assuming only Ally might guess what's up with the subject title)

i guess saturday night proved it - it is possible to outdo Kevin when it comes to drunkenness

got home after work on saturday and rummaged around for my hipflask so i could take some whiskey with me to Anton's. met up with Liezel in town and on the way to the party decided that the whiskey wasn't gonna be enough so stopped and grabbed a bottle of wine too
after a bit of confusion and the kindness of some stranger who mistook us for her neighbours we finally made it to the party.
didn't know anyone that was there, but got introduced to a whole bunch of randoms and promptly forgot their names straight away

i remember having a few glasses of wine, and chatting to people as they turned up, then the memories become a bit... hazy
i'm pretty sure it was at the point that i decided to see what whiskey and wine tasted like together that things started to go downhill

ended up chatting to one of the randoms, and turns out we'd gone to the same college and she used to have a crush on one of my friends there
not sure how coherent i was at that point, but she still ended up giving me her number for some reason - well according to Scott and Liezel it was because she was obviously into me haha

one of the other points i remember was falling through a window. not sure how or why i was falling through a window, but i remember catching the window frame and slicing my hand on the broken glass.
i also remember sitting in the bathroom giggling for a while watching the blood drip into the sink, then Kevin coming in with some plasters for me

don't really have any recollection of when/how i got home, but i woke up in the morning on the couch in the lounge with Liezel, and realized i had to be at work in like 20 mins >_<
somehow i made it there on time, and endured the whole day - though i think the mission for some powerade during my lunchbreak helped with the insane pounding in my head

so i think the moral of the story is - don't mix whiskey and wine
unless it's ginger wine, coz that is tasty magical win

so i think i'm finally starting to find some order in the madness
my head has been quite a jumble of incoherent thoughts for the past couple of months and i've been fighting to find some semblance of normalcy

obviously there's been some absolutely horrible things that have happened lately that have contributed to my mental state - and i'm sure people reading this would quite possibly feel quite similar

i don't think i deal very well with grief, usually i do my absolute best to try and completely suppress such intense emotions. i suppose i think it's just much easier to hide these things than confront them

though in saying that, lately i guess i haven't been hiding things as well as i thought
other than my stupidly, horribly, far drunker than i should have been incident after the funeral (and thanks to Ivy for looking out for my pathetic self that night) i thought i'd managed to keep up the facade quite well
evidently not, as i've had a few situations where people have clearly seen right through me and blatantly asked how i was handling things because i really don't seem too good

damn you sneaky peoplez >_<

but i think now i've managed to get a bit of perspective
i'm no longer analyzing every little thing that i could have said or done to change what has happened
hindsight's a bitch, but i'm kinda realising that there's no point in letting it fuck with your head
no matter how desperately i'd want to go back and change the past, i can't

so while things are not perfect - at least i'm sorting my shit out
i don't have as big an urge to run away and disappear for a while
i was seriously considering just going AWOL from work for like a week and not telling anyone and just fuck off somewhere - anywhere really
perhaps i just need some solitude?

anyway enough of trying to analyse my cognitive processes - on to other news!

not that there is any really... um...

.
.
.
.

wow.... what a fucking exciting life i lead...

oh well, screw this
/end rant

seriously what the hell? - there's some messed up shit going down in the past few weeks

- gemma getting in a car crash on my birthday and going in for spinal surgery next week. will possibly need more surgery later too and there's still a chance of her becoming paralyzed

- my nephew having eye surgery next week (again with the surgery!)

- my brother getting in a car crash when he was on holiday in Scotland (again, a car crash! but thankfully nothing serious)

- a friend of mine getting raped by her flatmate and her "friends" saying they wont talk to her unless she changes her statement coz they don't want to see the douchebag piece of shit go down on a rape charge. oh and he's threatening to commit suicide if he ends up having to go to prison - don't wanna go into details coz i could rant about this all day - so fucking angry...

- mum's boss threatening to fire her for not being back at work full time. even though she's still hurting from the surgery she got, and her doctor has already told her she shouldn't even be back yet PART time. i told her to tell her boss to eat a cock - she has all the proper med certs and ACC shit. he has absolutely no grounds whatsoever to fire her and if he does she can take it to the employments tribunal

so yeah... lots of bad shit going down >_<
i hate when this shit happens coz i really really don't like seeing people i care about get hurt, and knowing there's nothing i can do to help just frustrates the hell outta me coz i just wanna make it better for them...

i've been thinking about the Chaos theory a lot lately

you know - the whole butterfly beating it's wings and causing a swirling tempest over the other side of the world and stuff

it's just that i've been looking over my life presently, and considering what led me to this point in time

was there a defining point? one particular crossroads i reached that would make my life completely different if i'd chosen the other part?

maybe it was the decision to completely cut off all ties to my old life and start completely fresh in Wellington - a city where i knew nobody, and had only ever been to once before when i was about 6 years old

is there anything i miss about my life before? god no
there's nothing whatsoever to miss

i feel i never really truly learned to live until i came here
coming here awakened me i guess - artistically, socially, privately - everything really

everything i remember from back them seems... hazy
it's like it's clouded in a mist of some sort - but it's not like i don't remember it, it's just like the memories are artificial. i don't know really it's quite hard to explain

but none the less - the chaos has led me to a place where i am currently content, so therefore maybe i shouldn't be pondering what could have happened and just enjoy what HAS happened

whatever it was that cleared the fog and lit the path here for me - i'm happy i took that first step

bahaha just spoke to some indian dude with a strange sounding name

Surendar Masuram

fully sounded like "surrender mushroom" when he said it though

things are swell - i am pleased ^_^

i likes it

that is all

friday night was epic

the party was a resounding success and i had a bloody awesome time (though my Dread Pirate Roberts costume failed a bit)

there were some goings on that came as rather a pleasant surprise and left me in quite a good mood for the rest of the weekend

also went to my sister's place for dinner on saturday night and borrowed Zombie Strippers on dvd and watched it on monday night at Liezel's
it had it's moments, but really wasn't as good as i was hoping :(

tuesday night we went to Hamzo's place and i had small children leaping on me and demanding piggy back rides and stuff
thankfully i'm a bit more used to children now after dealing with my nephew, so didn't get absolutely horrified and run away like i would've a couple of years ago haha

was still in a really good mood until about 7pm or so last night when it all came crashing down

so yeah that was a bit shit, and i completely failed to get drunk at the Bristol - even after like 5 beers and about 7 or 8 whiskeys

and in other news, i foolishly agreed to do vocals for a potential Sisters of Mercy cover band
what have i got myself into? haha >_<

an old school mate i hadn't seen in about 3 years was playing in wellington last night with his band, so i decided to go along and check them out and catch up with the bastard

went along with Gen, and saw another mate there that i hadn't seen in ages - Sara

turns out his band wasn't playing till last, and after sitting through the utter horribleness of the first 2 bands we decided to leave

on the way out went to say goodbye to Sara, and when she heard i was leaving, she asked "what, so you're gonna go head off to have crazy monkey sex with this chick then or something?"

smooth Sara, reeeeal smooth...

well once again it's that time of year

may 22nd - annual drink myself into a stupor day
tis an anniversary of an unfortunate event - 3 years and it still feels like it was only a couple of months ago...

it's a funny thought really. how long is one supposed to grieve?
are you supposed to forget? how long till the pain goes away?
will the memories fade? will they change?
maybe what tears me up inside now, will later on become a fond memory - instead of remembering what was lost, i'd be remembering the good times

who knows - i know i don't....

i know there's a gig on and stuff, but i probably wont be in any mood to go along

so the plan at the moment is to grab a bottle of tequila/whiskey/something after work today, and after work tomorrow open it up and don't stop till i either pass out or it's empty

not the best way to deal with things i know, but if all goes according to plan i'll be too drunk to think

it has been a weekend of win really - except for the whole lack of sleep part i guess

friday - saw emma for coffee, then predrinks with silly peoples, then gig of awesomeness (with minor awkwardness)

i must say i very much approve of Codeine Like Candy - who knew NZ had a good band?! ;)

last night after work i went to Duncans at the suggestion of Sabrina - i got there eventually  - after forgetting where he lived and getting distracted by an awesome climbing tree

saw a wee bit of the 48 hour footage, and must say the fight scene is pure lolz ^_^

now methinks after i finish work today - it shall be time to go home and sleeeeeeep

my sincerest apologies Mr Journal - i have not intentionally been neglecting you - i just haven't really had anything noteworthy to say lately

and on one final note - why the hell do i seem to be attracting girls who are already in relationships lately?! hahaha it's kinda funny but bad at the same time
especially getting told by a friend who's *just had a baby* that if she was going to cheat on her boyfriend, it would be with me >_<

about of course the fact that in some ways i am far too bloody tolerant of people

it's actually gotten to the point where i'm getting seriously fucked off with someone
despite the txts from her this morning apologizing for everything and saying she's ruined everything and blah blah blah
you know what? too fucking late
i'm getting pretty damn sick of getting screwed around - either make up your fucking mind or fuck off
it's not even a relationship drama or anything, she just doesn't know what the hell she wants
we used to be really close friends, then she randomly just stopped talking to me and all sorts of other random crap was happening
and despite the occasional txts from her saying she does miss me etc, when i do make an effort to go out of my way and see her and try and fix it and see if we can get back to where we were - nothing
she'll just sit there and shut down and say nothing no matter what i try, then bugger off after about 20mins

so seriously, what's the fucking point?
i've tried and tried and tried but nothing i have said or done has been enough for her

after months of this i can't help but think i must just be a gullible moron who's far too tolerant of people's bullshit

she wants to meet up in a few days when she gets back to wellington, and i'll see how i feel then and maybe give her one last chance
i'm not gonna hedge around the issue anymore - if she wants to repair the rift she caused, she better stop screwing around

argh i'm angry! DOUG SMASH